OF FAKE SWAMIS AND AFTER-SHAVES

A highway robber became a sage. Was he masquerading as a sage to deceive people? No, he became Valmiki (the man from ant-hills) and wrote the Ramayana. Let us get back to the blog. 

Pammie was in a belligerent mood. She threw down the newspaper she was glancing through and exclaimed,” I want to hang every fake swami on the lamp posts on a long stretch of road. It will be known as Gallows Street or Jack Ketch Avenue”

I said, “You are dashing my hopes to the ground”.

She looked at me with those smouldering eyes which were reminiscent of the fire-breathing Chinese dragons. A fake swami or two coming in the line of fire would have been vapourised in a matter of seconds. She asked, “Who is dashing your hopes to the ground?”

“I was thinking of growing a beard, putting on saffron robes and turning into a swami. It is the most respected profession at present apart from being a politician. But I do not want to make a vertical exit from this world according to your plans”.

“Vertical or horizontal is not the issue. Really, these swamis deserve much more drastic punishments like garroting or quartering which were used in old days. But what will happen to the after-shaves I gave you, if you are going to grow a beard? I gave you Ralph Lauren, Dunhill Limited Edition, Jean Philippe Imperial and other high quality stuff and not the cheap ones you see advertised on TV and newspaper supplements. I shopped for them in Fifth Avenue in New York, Penhaligon in London and Sephora at Avenue de Champs-Elysees in Paris. And I think I gave you some beautiful shirts and other things as well. They will not go down well with your saffron robes.”

(To tell the truth, if I have a weakness, it is for deodorants and after-shaves, only the best will do and Pammie had provided me with these) 

“Thank you for those lovely things. But I will have to regret not using them. But I can bring up these beautiful bottles from my stomach and offer them to my favourite devotees, who are clean-shaven, when they come to seek my blessings.”

“You will need special training for doing that. Perhaps you can go to Serengeti and meet the wild dogs and plead with them to teach you about regurgitation. That is how they feed their very young. The wolves in Alaska do the same, but you cannot go there dressed in your saffron robes. You will be turned into an orange ice pillar”

Pammie was a wildlife enthusiast and knew more about wild animals than the forest officers and guides making the present Tiger Census.

I said, “But there are other compensations for eschewing the products of luxury. I will have devotees ready to serve me in whatever way I want them to. I get cramps in my legs during the night. It will be nice to have a female to massage my legs and give the regular doses of vitamins I take.”

“What you will need under those circumstances is not a vitamin tablet, but another one, the name of which also begins with Vi………..”

‘Tut tut. What a way to talk to elders!”

“I don’t consider you as an elder any more. You are a fake swami. Perhaps even school girls know more about that tablet I mentioned than I do”

“The truth is that there has been a drastic fall in moral standards. In my new avatar as a seer, I will strive to raise the moral standards of everyone in the world. You will see the whole world at my feet improving their minds by every passing minute.

“What we will see will be a media telecast of a video on your sleazy activities and nice families watching a proper movie will be stunned to see an unwanted interlude midway. That is what happened to my friend Nirupama the other day. Her children were shell-shocked to see what came on the screen. She said it was most ‘disturbing’. She has sold off her TV. We don’t want to see any such stuff.”

“In the most unlikely event of such a telecast, I can say that I was in a trance and did not know what was happening because I was in samadhi. I will say that frequently my soul disengages from my body and goes off in search of the eternal truth. That was what happened to Adi Sankara of Kaladi. Having acquired all the knowledge available in those days – not much, I am afraid-, he still had not experienced the carnal pleasures of the mundane world. He was visiting a kingdom and found that the king had suddenly expired and the queen was in mourning. He made of this opportunity with his quick thinking. He went into samadhi and detaching his soul from his body, entered the dead body of the king thereby reviving him, albeit for a few days. The queen was delighted and had a second honeymoon with her king, but really with Adi Sankara. After a few days he resumed his own body, leaving the king as dead as before he played the dirty trick. No one dares question this piece of historical truth.”

Pammie appeared to have been stunned by my deep knowledge of religious history and my eloquence. For a moment she had nothing to say.

I continued,” But finding a convincing explanation for a particular situation I may be facing needs some time, which I may find by going to Haridwar or Timbuktu.  But I will also prevent Trojans entering my camp. Security will be tightly enforced. Days will be passed with devotees thronging about to see me in my saffron robes and at night it will be peaceful to go to sleep listening to Mozart and Haydn, while having a massage.”

“Ha-ha! Mozart and Haydn along with your favourite Kenny G will not be heard in your so called ashram. Most of the time you will be listening to the chanting of the Vedas and bhajans.”

“Oh, my god! I did not think of that. I cannot endure that for five minutes. Thank you so much for reminding me that the best things in life are free. I think I will have to give up my plans. Are you happy now?”

“I am perfectly happy, my Guruji!”